ENGLISH VERSION
Sometimes some strange and evil feelings are sneaking in the back of my mind. Those feelings arise whenever I hold or see sharp and heavy objects. Then, I start imagining a lot of crime incidents and homicide cases that I’ve seen in the box with moving pictures and sound as if I were the one who stab and slit all the victims' throats. All of a sudden I got shivers and cold on my neck, I soon got rid of that horrifying thoughts.
Actually, I have never been truly open about myself towards other people. All my life, all of them are still regularly running in my mind only. Sometimes it is like the sea wave which constantly embracing and at the same time, slowly sucking the barrier of reefs until it finally became more and more fragile as my mental state right now. Am I wrong? If my thoughts only went on trivial problems in the eyes of people by simply wanting everything to happen according to my expectations. In fact, I often get the satisfaction from those weird desires to the point that it spontaneously came to mind the willingness to commit a crime ‘for the sake of happiness of others which actually they didn’t really feel it as necessary.
My imagination always wanders around looking for a friend to see and enjoy the ‘never existed - beautiful world’ together. One time, it appears in a heavenly garden with amazing surroundings where the sound of water beautifully flows through and a couple of swan stay side by side together like inseparable lovers. It has never crossed my mind before. Another time, it sails on the wide and unlimited sea, splitting the water gracefully towards a colorful sunset ahead which slowly fades and drowned into the ocean as the day turn into night. Then, it flies so high freely above the clouds with a bunch of seagulls to a faraway places and the eternal nirvana, searching for the hidden treasure behind the rainbow. In reality, I woke up in these dark nights inside a narrow and lifeless room and seeing myself stuck and imprisoned from the outside world. I think I’ve done pretty good and skillful act as an angel of death when I came to those people that I consider kind-hearted, good and qualified enough to go to heaven ha.. ha … ha. Their screams were so great like the sound of harp being played above my head and deliver them to heaven as I ripped their hearts off. Or, watch when I make a few beautiful dolls from some body parts that I’ve collected from chosen people that I’ve picked carefully to match with my idea. In different times, I played as Robespierre, the one cut Louis XIV’s head off along with his wife and child using guillotine and treated them as mere cows.
“Nurse Dena, why are you daydreaming here? This is not a fun place for you is it?”
Suddenly Doctor Witarso spoils all the imaginations that appeared on my mind. “Oh, I’m sorry, I kind of easily swayed with this type of situation, and it reminds me of something. Excuse me, Doc.”
I got speechless after he rebuked me the way he did just now. “Nurse Dena, don’t be like that again next time, OK? Doctor Witarso shout louder after I walk faster to go and stay away from him in a hurry.
Several days later Doctor Witarso was found murdered in a shabby lodge with body full of stab wounds. He died instantly because of those massive wounds. The shock just woke me up from a horrid nightmare and felt like all over the world showered me with painful words as sharp as needles coming out everywhere towards me. I can’t believe with the news I heard about him, because as far as I can remember, I had a dream that I went to my old secret place beside the river just to calm my mind down when suddenly a big scary bear barged in and scream. I got panic and grabbed the grass fork and stabbed it to the bear while closing my eyes until it finally died full of blood from the wounds. The sweat rushes down all over my body and my face turns cold and pale.
“Morning Mrs. Wella,”I greet her, “morning,” she replies. She is the receptionist of a resting place for people with mental illness where I currently work. To turn back into the history, I step back into the past. Mrs. Wella is Doctor Witarso’s mother. The doctor was worked alone and open his private workplace here. A young handsome doctor with fair skin and single in the beginning of his 30s. Meanwhile, me, the only one and loyal nurse who works here since 12 years ago after I moved out from the dorm when I graduated from my college. Now I live in a simple rent room not far from the clinic. With my current nearly 40s’s age, I’m still single when my other friends have settled down and giving grandchildren to their parents. I simply don’t care.
My mind stops when I cross a small room on the corner with iron bars on the door. That room is empty after the one previously stayed there was claimed healthy and being released. It is a cold, dirty, suffocating and smelly room. Only a piece of note was left by its owner for me as I had folded it and put in my uniform’s pocket after I finished cleaning it.
In the afternoon I spend a calm atmosphere in the front yard of Mrs.Wella's house while enjoying a cup of warm tea and snacks provided by the maid, like any other previous days. Mrs. Wella, as I know in person, is very kind with a partially grey hair, a stocky body and those aging wrinkles in her appearance, lives right next to the psychiatric hospital of her late son. She now lives only with her servant after the death of her son doctor Witarso.
"Please eat the snack, Dena, don't let it be cold." Mrs. wella surprised me by standing right next to me and her hand slightly touch my shoulder. What's wrong? How come lately it seems like you have a lot to think about.. Somehow I get a little worry about your condition. Don't work yourself up too much, don't think too much, just relax. It would be better if you're really take a rest, take a few days holiday." Mrs.Wella continued to talk meanwhile my mind crept somewhere else.
After returning home from there,I lie my body on the cold bed. I imagine doctor Witarso's face again. how could it be such a kind-hearted person as him had to die in a horrible way. Then, I see a cow that dies with a foamy mouth on a field that looks really familiar to me. Next to the cow there was a figure standing with terrifying laughter holding a glass that was held up. I couldn't see his face clearly because the atmosphere was pitch black. then ...... "hhhhh" Dena wakes up from the nightmare again with cold sweat all over her body and breathing hard, found herself staying awake and couldn't close her eyes until dawn came.
As usual, after taking a shower, she gets ready to go to the clinic to work. On the way she heard people talking about strange things last night. About a woman who owned a mental hospital was killed by poison in her drink. The thought immediately floated on Mrs.Wella. As soon as I arrived there, I have many questions on my mind "Is mrs.Wella have arrived here? "I asked the other staffs with a calm heart. All of them look at me with a surprised expression and turned pale. "Hey, please explain what happened?! What’s wrong! "I'm getting curious." last night mrs.Wella got killed, didn't you know? This morning the news was revealed." Finally someone answer my question. Suddenly my head gets dizzy and everything around me is turning into darkness. When I open I eyes, I found myself is lying in one of this hospital bed. Next to me, I see someone who I vaguely recognize.
"Nurse Dena, are you awake now?" He asked me. "Ah ah I'm OK... Who are you? "I asked him back to be certain." I am Lieutenant Ardi from the police, I want to ask you something, are you willing to cooperate with me? Doctor said that you are in a normal condition now "." What do you want to ask? "I said." This is about the unusual death of Mrs. Wella, perhaps you know something, because yesterday the servant said you've visited the victim. "Lieutenant Ardi explained the reason." Oh I did visited her yesterday and I went home before dark because I was a little dizzy ". I tried to explain."Do you know that besides you, someone else comes visited mrs.Wella at her house that day?" for a moment, Dena gives a thought to imagine what had happened yesterday at mrs.Wella's house. "Oh I remember yesterday after I said goodbye, I walked home, a car stopped in front of the house, a woman got out of the car and then knocked on the door, I was unable to see her face clearly because it was a little dark. Mrs.Wella opened it and talked for a while, then invited the guest to come inside". That's all I know, sir, after that I don't know anything anymore".
For a few hours Dena was examined by a doctor and faced police's interrogation. Finally she was allowed to go home and was ordered to take a few day rest.
In the evening she walked to the kitchen to make a cup of hot coffee then she returned to her bedroom. She remembered the letter from a hospital patient which was released a few weeks ago. She read that letter carefully. Suddenly the lights in her house were switched off and everything turned dark. Nonetheless, she thought it was normal because of the electricity in the area where she lives things like this happened sometimes. She smelled a pungent smell and then her vision blurred and she fell unconscious. As she woke up, she found herself tied to the bed with her mouth being plastered. Before her someone stood holding a knife.
"Hey Nurse Dena, remember me? I am Ruddy, your dearest patient" then he laugh out loud. ”Nurse Dena, I won't hurt you if you don't make me angry, don't be like doctor witarso or his mother who had angered me before. I've killed them, but Nurse is not like that, right? Because you are in the same condition with me, you were always got injected by that doctor so that you and I go crazy". Dena's eyes were wide open at hearing that truth. Realizing what had happened lately to her were really strange. Fainting, the hallucinations and frightening shadows that have been haunting her lately.
Ruddy opened the rope and the tape on her mouth. Then he handed over the knife in his hand to Dena. "Sis, I go first, now we can calm down. They are gone, but be careful here."Ruddy walk casually and leave Dena. However, a few steps later, a knife stucked on his back with the short voice barely comes out of his mouth. His body collapses and doesn't move anymore. Dena’s pale face then gradually refreshed, she calmly took the white napkin to clean the handle of the knife that sticks in the dead body. She walked towards the bathroom carrying the napkin. She opened one book that turned out to be a secret place, in which there is a sharp fork and poison bottle. Dena smiles while putting the napkin and put the book back in the closet. I will sleep really well tonight ..........
____________INDONESIAN VERSION
Terkadang ada perasaan aneh dan jahat menyelinap dipikiranku. perasaan itu muncul saat aku memegang atau melihat benda-benda tajam maupun berat.lalu setelah itu terbayang kejadian yg aku lihat dikoran gambar bersuara bagaimana aku menusuk atau menggorok orang.bulu kudukku spontan berdiri dan segera saja kubuang pikiran itu jauh-jauh...
Sebenarnya aku tak pernah terbuka tentang hal-hal menyangkut diriku pada org lain,semuanya tetap berkutat dipikiranku,kadang seperti ombak-ombak terus menerus membelai karang sampai akhirnya rapuh seperti rapuhnya mentalku sekarang ini. apakah salah?selama ini yg kupikirkan hanyamasalah-masalah sepele dimata orang,menginginkan segala sesuatunya berjalan sesuai dengan harapanku. bahkan tak jarang aku mendapatkan kepuasan dari keinginanku itu,sampai-sampai pernah terpikir rela untuk melakukan kejahatan demi 'kebahagiaan orang lain' yang belum tentu orang itumerasakannya. Ketika imagiku berlari-lari seolah mencari cari teman untuk bersama sama menikmati keindahan dunia yg tak pernah ada pada kenyataannya,satu saat sang imagi berada ditaman surgawi air gemericik indah,suasana teduh dan sepasang angsa berenang beriringan memadu kasih.tak terlintas dibenakku akan mengalami hal itu.saat yg lain sang imagi berlayar dilautan luas tenang tanpa tapal batas,membelah air dengan keindahan matahari tenggelam,tenggelam seolah ditelan air diujung sana.atau sang imagi terbang menyusul burung2 camar,melayang bebas,pergi ketempat2 jauh menujunirwana,mencari harta karun diujung pelangi.
Kenyataannya aku kembali terbangun pada malam gelap gulita diruang sempit tak bernyawa, mendapati keadaan ku terpuruk dari kehidupan luar sana.aku berpikir aku berperan sangat lihai ketika menjadi seorang malaikat maut,datang pada orang yang aku anggap berhati mulia,pantas masuk surga ha..ha ..ha,jeritan mereka seperti alunan harfa mengalun memperdengarkan syahdunya melodi terbang diatas kepalaku mengantar org tadi kesurga setelah kuambil hatinya.
Atau lihatlah saat aku membuat boneka indah dari bagian2tubuh org2 yg paling cocok.lain lagi ketika aku memerankan robespierre,pemenggal kepala louis XIV dan anak istrinya,memenggal kepala denga guilettine,alat dimana kepala mereka seperti hanyalah kepala beberapa ekor sapi.
"suster dena,kenapa anda melamun disini?ini bukan tempat yg menyenangkan untukmu kan?"tiba-tiba Dokter witarso membuyarkan segala angan yg muncul dibenakku."oh maaf,aku sedikit terlena dengan suasana seperti ini,mengingatkanku pada sesuatu,permisi Dok".kataku tergagap setelah
mendapat teguran tersebut."suster dena,lain kali jangan begitu lagi ya!"dokter witarso berkata dengan suara keras setelah aku pergi dengan berjalan cepat menjauhinya.
Beberapa hari kemudian aku mendengar dokter witarso tewas disebuah gubuk dengan badan penuh luka tusukan.karena ditusuk berkali-kalilah yg menyebabkan sang dokter tewas seketika. aku seperti terhenyak dari mimpi,seolah seluruh bumi menghujaniku dengan kata-kata yg aku rasakan seperti jarum-jarum yang menusukku dari berbagai arah.aku tak percaya dengan berita yang aku dengar tadi,seingatku aku bermimpi pergi ketempat rahasiaku disebuah pondok tua dipinggir sungai.untuk menenangkan pikiranku,ketika tiba-tiba saja seekor beruang masuk dengan mendobrak pintu dan mengaum keras,aku berubah panik lalu kuambil garfu jerami, kutusukkan pada binatang itu sambil memejamkan mata sampai akhirnya beruang itu mati bersimbah darah dihadapanku.keringat deras mengucur diseluruh badanku,wajahku terasa dingin dan memucat.
"pagi ibu wella".sapaku,"pagi kembali".jawab ibu wella,resepsionis rumah peristirahatan bagi org2 bermental sakit dimana aku bekerja sekarang.mengingat sejarahnya, aku melangkah kembali kemasa silam,ibu wella adalah ibu kandung dokter witarso.sang dokter bekerja dgn membuka praktik
pribadi disini,seorang dokter muda yg tampan,berkulit putih bersih dan masih lajang diusia awal tiga puluhan.sedang aku,perawat setia dan satu-satunya yang bekerja disini sejak 12 tahun yg lalu,sejak aku keluar dari asrama setelah mendapatkan ijasah,aku tinggal ditempat kost sederhana tak jauh dari tempat kerjaku ini. dengan usia menjelang empat puluhan,aku tetap sendiri,dimana teman-temanku yang lain sudah memberikan cucu bagi ibu mereka,aku tetap tak peduli.pikiranku terhenti saat aku melewati kamar kecil disudut ruangan.kamar kecil dengan pintu berterali besi.kamar itu kosong semenjak penghuninya dinyatakan sembuh,aku mendapati kamar itu kosong,kotor,pengap dan bau.hanya secarik kertas yang ditinggalkan penghuninya untukku.aku melipatnya dan menyimpannya disaku baju setelah selesai membersihkan kamar tersebut.
Sore harinya aku melewatkan suasana tenang dihalaman rumah bu wella sambil menikmati secangkir teh hangat dan kudapan yg disediakan oleh pembantunya,seperti hari-hari sebelumnya.ibu wella adalah org yang kukenal sangat baik hati dengan rambut yang telah memutih sebagian, tubuh gempalberisi tapi tetap tidak menutupi kerutan penanda usianya.mendiami rumah tepat disamping rumah sakit jiwa milik anaknya.beliau kini tinggal bersama pembantunya setelah kematian anaknya dokter witarso.
"silahkan dimakan kudapannya,dik dena,jangan dibiarkan terus nanti keburu dingin'.ibu wella mengejutkanku dengan berdiri disebelah ku dan tangannya menyentuh pundakku. "kenapa dik,kok akhir2 ini dik dena kelihatan banyak melamun?ibu jadi sedikit cemas melihat keadaan adik.urusan kerja jangan terlalu dipikirkan,santai saja.mendingan kalo dik dena istirahat saja tidak usah kerja dulu,ambil cuti beberapa hari".ibu wella terus berbicara sementara pikiranku merayap entah kemana.
Sepulang dari rumah bu wella kuhenyakkan tubuh ku diranjang yang dingin.kubayangkan kembali wajah dr.witarso.bagaimana mungkin org sebaik dan sepemurah itu harus meninggal dengan cara yg mengenaskan.lalu kulihat seekor sapi yang mati dengan mulut berbusa disebuah lapangan yg nampak tak asing bagiku.disebelah sapi itu ada sesosok tubuh berdiri dengan tawa mengerikan memegang gelas yang diacungkan keatas.wajahnya tak dapat kulihat jelas karena suasana gelap gulita.lalu......"hhhhh" dena terbangun karena mimpi itu dengan tubuh berkeringat dingin dan nafas terengah2 hampir tersengal.setelah itu ia tak dapat lg memejamkan matanya sampai fajar tiba.
Seperti biasanya,setelah mandi dena bersiap-siap pergi ke klinik utk bekerja.diperjalanan ia mendengar orang-orang membicarakan kejadian aneh tadi malam.tentang seorang perempuan pemilik RS jiwa yang dibunuh dengan cara diracuni minumannya.pikiran dena langsung melayang pada bu wella. sesegera setelah sampai disana diapun bertanya-tanya."apa bu wella sudah datang?"tanyaku dengan hati tak tenang.lalu orang-orang di Rumah Sakit itu menatapku dengan raut muka terkejut dan berubah pucat."ada apa?!tolong jelaskan,ada apa ini!"aku semakin penasaran."semalam bu wella terbunuh, apa suster dena tak tahu?tadi pagi beritanya ada diteve"akhirnya seseorang mau menjawab pertanyaanku.tiba-tiba kepalaku pening dan pandanganku gelap.ketika tersadar kudapati tubuhku terbaring disalah satu ranjang RS ini.disebelahku ada seseorang laki2 yang samar-samar sepertinya kukenal.
"suster dena,anda sudah sadar?"dia bertanya padaku."ah ah aku tidak apa-apa,si..siapa anda?"aku bertanya untuk meyakinkan."aku letnan ardi dari kepolisian,ingin bertanya sesuatu pada anda,apa anda bersedia?menurut dokter, anda sudah dalam kondisi normal"."apa yg ingin anda tanyakan?"kataku."ini mengenai kematian bu wella yg tidak wajar,mungkin anda mengetahui sesuatu?karena kemarin kata pembantunya anda mengunjungi korban"letnan ardi menguaraikan alasannya."oh saya memang mengunjungi beliau kemarin,dan saya pulang sebelum hari gelap karena saya sedikit pusing".aku berusaha menjelaskan."apa anda tahu selain anda,ada yg datang mengunjungi ibu wella dirumahnya hari itu?"."sebentar saya ingat2 dulu" sejenak dena melayangkan pikirannya kembali membayangkan apa yg terjadi kemarin dirumah bu wella."oh aku ingat kemarin setelah aku pamitan dari rumah bu wella,saya berjalan pulang, sebuah mobil berhenti dirumah buwella ,seorang perempuan keluar dr mobil itu dan mengetuk rumah bu wella,aku tak dapat melihat jelas wajahnya karena keadaannya sedikit gelap.bu wella kemudian keluar dari rumahnya dan berbincang sebentar,lalu mempersilahkan tamunya masuk". hanya itu yg saya tahu pak,setelah itu aku tidak tahu lagi".dena memberi alasan.
Beberapa jam dena diperiksa oleh dokter dan interogasi polisi,akhirnya dia diperbolehkan pulang dan diperintahkan untuk mengambil istirahat beberapa hari. malam harinya dena berjalan kedapur utk membuat secangkir kopi panas.lalu ia melangkah kembali kekamarnya.dia teringat akan surat dari pasien RS yg baru dilepas beberapa minggu lalu.dena membaca dengan seksama yg ditulis org itu dalam suratnya.
Namun kemudian tiba2 lampu dirumahnya mati dan berubah gelap,dena merasa biasa saja karena listrik didaerah dia tinggal kadang begitu.dia mencium bau menyengat dan lalu pandangannya kabur dan dia pun jatuh tak sadarkan diri. saat terbangun dena mendapati dirinya terikat diranjang dengan mulut diplester.dihadapannya ada seseorang berdiri memegang sebilah pisau.
"Hai suster dena,masih ingat saya?saya rudi,pasien tersayang anda"lalu dia tertawa keras.
"suster dena,saya tidak akan menyakiti anda kalo anda tidak membuat saya marah.suster,jgn seperti dokter wit atau ibunya yg membuat saya kesal.jadi saya membunuh mereka,tapi suster tidak begitu kan?soalnya suster sama nasibnya dengan saya,selalu disuntik oleh dokter itu biar jadi gila". mata
dena terbelalak mendengar hal itu.pantas saja apa yg dialaminya akhir2ini sangat aneh. pingsan, halusinasi dan bayangan2 menakutkan yg selama ini menghantuinya.
Rudi membuka tali dan plester dimulut dena.lalu dia menyerahkan pisau ditangannya kepada dena. "sus,saya pergi dulu,sekarang kita bisa tenang mereka sudah tidak ada,tapi hati2 disini yah"rudi pun melangkah meninggalkan dena.
Tapi beberapa langkah kemudian, sebuah pisau menancap dipunggungnya.tak ada suara yg keluar dari mulutnya.tubuhnya roboh dan tak bergerak lagi. wajah dena yg pucat berangsur2 segar kembali,dengan tenang dia mengambil serbet putih untuk membersihkan gagang pisau yg menancap dimayat itu. lalu dena berjalan kearah kamar mandinya.dengan membawa serbet itu.dia membuka salah satu buku yg ternyata sebuah tempat rahasia,dimana didalamnya ada garfu tajam dan botol racun.dena tersenyum sambil menaruh serbet itu dan kembali merapikan bukunya didalam lemari.saya akan tidur nyenyak malam ini..........
(short story by noodlemie-1998)
