The Complicated Feeling When It All Started

Part 2 : The Complicated Feeling When It All Started

   When I was in high school, I was still thinking that fashion wouldn't be my option for studying after I graduate from it later. Since my older sister had already put her mind to choose this option for her career and I didn't want to or actually I'd never want to be a follower,and really hate to be judged as if I didn't have dreams of my own.I was actually glad I didn't have any interest in this field anyway.

   I saw that my mom also against her will to study fashion too, since the costs was quite expensive and she told my sister that she couldn't afford to pay for her school cause there were still 3 children  in this family to support, my brother, me and my little sister.well, we were a quite big family, with 5children in total. However, her(my sis) will was bigger than anyone else even our parent, so she came up with the idea of finding one job to help my parent supported her school fee. She worked in one supermarket from morning until late afternoon then as soon as she finished, she ran to the fashion school until a bit late at night. All of her salary was only for the school, no fun no shopping. After sometimes, she managed to finish the study and find a job. Luckily it was fast and she was happy.

There was a slight ambition growing inside me that I had to achieve better than her, although not in the same field.I was kind of dreaming maybe I would became a doctor but the doctor who like drawing,or a physics professor with drawing skills,etc.However, all of that dreams had fallen apart at the same time I failed in the entrance tests for state university. I've lost hope and will to look for private institute where I can continue my study, I preferred to stay and  did nothing just to cure my heartbroken feeling 'cause of my own failure.

My mom disliked seeing me like this, so she decided to find a proper school for at least filling up this year so I could re-take the test for famous art division in one state university next year.She told me to take this as the preparation by not wasting a year only for playing useless thing. She said that I had the ability, I just need to sharpened my skills. Honestly I had an extremely lack of confidence, I really underestimated myself. Since I was a quiet and introvert person, for me, each new place, new people, new situation would have been a great nightmare.Anyway, I found what my mom's words make sense in my mind, so I finally accepted her offers,and told her that I'd do as she said.

I was registered in two different schools, one was diploma major in English, and the other was fashion design. Each week I have to study these 2 at the same time, fashion in the afternoon and English in the night. My mom warned me not to neglect any of them,'cause she can't accept any failures. I knew she really meant with what she said, so I tried hard to do so. Although deep inside me, I was still confuse whether I made a right decision since this wasn't my dream at all in the beginning.( August 28th,1997)